Where to start? It’s been a month…

Well. At the moment I’m on crutches. Basically I “walked wrong”. Waiting for an MRI and some kind of explaination. Until then, move joint as much as I can, and keep weight off it.

Had a few friends keeping me as distracted and happy as possible through a week of total agony. They’ve been wonderful. Even if they did bully me to get it sorted. But it’s only because they care.

I’ve moved and am much happier where I am now. I’ve made great new friends, and am at least for the moment, pretty damn good.

My absence from the internet can be explained by the amount of illness of late. I’ve had some down days, and bad asthma days, and a week of trips to hospital with my stupid knee. Now I have painkillers that don’t create extra pain (like co-codamol did), don’t make me pass out on a friend in minors (like Oramorph did, nearly for a second time too) and actually relieve the pain (unlike all the others!) I’m able to do more stuff. Not a lot of physical stuff. Bending down - not good. Standing up too long does also tend to find me falling down, because I lose my balance too easy.

Because of the wonders of not being particularly mobile, it means I’ll have much more opportunity to write, and craft. Which is great to me! So, my long list of post ideas can start being ticked off, I can get a chunk of my book written, and hopefully make lots of things that people will be willing to buy.

And now, I’m off to have a Tramadol-induced nap :)

First week of filtration - :(

Okay, so, since Sunday/Monday I have attempted the unenviable feat of halving everything I own, packing and moving. I can’t say it’s gone brilliantly. At every possible moment, I’ve procrastinated. I’ve still got a lot done, but I think my hopes of having it finished by Friday were well off the mark.

At present though, I now have an excuse for the current state of it, both being ill today :( and also, that until I move what’s ready, I can’t really get much further.

I’m quite pleased with what I’ve worked out getting rid of and keeping. Basically, all I’ll be left with is:

• Games Consoles and the games I play
• Computer, Laptop and peripherals, misc electronics
• Clothes, bedding and towels
• Toiletries, cosmetics, domestic cleaning products, jewellery
• Cuddly toys
• Craft stuff
• A couple of DVDs and lots of books
• A small amount of furniture
• Some kitchen type stuff
• My musical instruments, and sports equipment
• Car Stuff
• Stationery

A friend of mine did point out it still seemed like rather a lot, until I pointed out that that that is everything I own (my grandmother moved in with my dad, and there was a game of musical rooms when I moved to uni) it is a pretty good achievement.

Filtration, is so far, proving a success!

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

I use this expression a lot, probably too much. It’s a wonderful expression, that works for so many things. Bureaucratic nonsense being a prime example of a failure to implement it, I think it shows how people undervalue it.

Anyhow, a bit of explanation as to how this came to be in my head, and why I felt the universe needed a reminder of this fundamental principle is in order.

For the last I-don’t-know-how-long, probably about 2 months, I’ve felt like I was slowly drifting further into insanity. With more and more chaos being piled on me, day after day, I didn’t know what to do with myself, and really thought I’d hit rock bottom. My mother’s care team seem to think taking ridiculous overdoses every time you’re discharged from hospital is perfectly acceptable and doesn’t matter, couple that with the soul-destroying attitude of people in Plymouth, I felt days away from slipping into a giant vortex of hopelessness.

It wasn’t until today, when I finally got my stuff back from Bedlam (a house that seems to attract some of the lowest common denominator, and then lower other people to their level) about 6 weeks after I was first meant to, that a light bulb suddenly went on in my head; it started a domino effect like no other, and suddenly I was back to me again and back in control. The lightbulb in question was simply this: ‘They don’t matter’. The people that kept making me feel worse, just didn’t matter. At all. I don’t find malicious and devious people to be people I want to hang around, and quite frankly, I’d rather they chose to be as far away from me (preferably another planet, where they are quite obviously from) as possible. By allowing these people to matter, I was the one who’d triggered my own downfall. It went a bit like this:

• Allow idiots to matter.
• Idiots act like [expletive of your choice here] idiots, and make you feel rubbish.
• You feel broken.
• You think you need fixing, and are looking for something to fix you. [Insert useless coping mechanism of your choice here.]

And my ‘recovery’ went almost exactly like this:

• “Who the heck are these people to make me feel so rubbish? They aren’t important, they aren’t worth my time, why am I letting them upset me?”
• Recognise that the idiots are only making their lives miserable.
• They can’t break me; I don’t need fixing.

Such a simple little thought made me one-eighty in about half an hour. I don’t think that people like them will ever change. They’ll always try and shift the blame, and make other people miserable to provide something for them, in their otherwise lacking lives. And you want to know something? I don’t care if they do continue leaving a bullseye on my back. Because after all they’ve done, when I had so much else to deal with, i.e. mum, they didn’t break me. They aren’t breaking me. And they’ll never break me.

I’m back. The ‘Me’ my friends love, and enemies hate. The ‘Me’ I love. I’m almost, only almost, thankful to these people, for reminding me of just how strong I am now. I never needed my friends to help ‘restore’ me. I needed them to remind me who I was. And by simply being themselves, they did. And I think a billion thank you hugs should be given for that.

I’m not who people tried to claim I was. I’m worse. I’m the girl who’d give my friends all my time, money and energy, just because I can. But I’m also the girl who will rip you to shreds if you attack any friend I have. And, those who matter do know this. So they just look stupid for lying, and attacking me. I’m better than they are, and I won’t sink to rock bottom for them. And I’ll never sink to their level.

Really, they can attack me all they like, they can keep doing this for months or even years if they want to. When I remember them as nonentities, it’s actually really funny. But, I warn them, I warn them now: turn on just one friend of mine, one, no matter how new, how far away, or how casual a friend you think they may be, and I will be on the warpath, and I will destroy you, without sinking to the depths you did. Because I don’t need to. I can sit back and watch you destroy yourselves, and each other.

To the friends who have put up with both the ‘Waaaaaa mummy’ and ‘I hate myself’ episodes recently:

I love you. You are the best friends I could have asked for, and then a bit more awesome still.

To all those who decided to make me ‘The Wicked Bitch of the South West’ here’s two things I have to say to you:

1. Thank you for inspiring the perfect label for me. It’s my creation and I love it. Use it if you like, spread the word, people should know about my god-like brainwashing skills.

2. You have anything more to do to me? Good:

BRING.
IT.
ON.

Friends Have The Best Timing

Friends definitely have the best timing. I’ve not had the best few weeks. And today, with my mum in hospital and having 4 different conflicting stories about her treatment and things, I decided I’ll be going home.
Being pretty miserable today was aided by a few things. Several new friends being online and cheering me up. Old friends being there, as always, doing favours and making me smile. And also, the reappearance of an old friend out of the blue.

All in all, my friends are just super!

So despite having a potentially turbulent week ahead, I know I’ve got friends back their if I need them. I’m also really excited about seeing my wonderful L. She’s 3 and a half now, and hopefully still loves seeing Auntie Georgie, as much as I love going to see her.

The Third best thing about going home, (joint first being mummy and L), is seeing my really old friend. We’ve probably not spoken to each other since before I left for uni, possibly even earlier than that, yet we pick up conversation like it had never left off. Which is very useful. Considering that after I see mum, I’m going to be wanting a billion or so hugs. And someone that became friends with me while I was at my worst, is possibly the best person to give them.

Until now, I don’t think I’d ever appreciated the timing that my friends have. The punctuality certainly, but not their entire timing.

You’re brilliant. I love you all.

Clear out.

Having decided I probably own almost a hundred times what I need, I’ve decided that August shall be renamed ‘Filtration’. The plan, thus far, is to go through everything I own. Things that are rubbish, will be culled before categorising, to save time later.

The break down of Filtration will be something like this:
1st week of filtration - Sort, categorise (flog, bin, keep), and bin.
2nd week of filtration - Flog items, on a preferential then first come first served basis. Some for money, others for love.
3rd week of filtration - Ebay or whatever any qualifying items
4th week of filtration - Charity the remains, or bin as appropriate

This cannot fail! I certainly want to get rid of some stuff. Most importantly a tonne of old clothes and things. That, and I have so many things I had forgotten I owned. So prepare for quite a few postings of “Look what I found…”

There is, of course, one small flaw in the plan. I have to move by 15th Filtration, which is halfway through Filtration :/ So, with an ample portion of luck, I may well be able to condense the time scale into 2 weeks. Or, I’ll end up with a box of junk to get rid of sitting in my new room, for months on end. If you can think of something of mine you’re after, poke me and see if it’s being flogged :)